Time to downsize

SO are Diary readers feeling sorry for the LibDems after theirshocking Scottish elections result?

Em, not really. A political activist swears that on the noticeboard at the Scottish Parliament is a card reading: "For sale, 16-seater minibus, surplus to requirements. Would swap for nice five-seater car.

"Phone Tavish on ..."

Numbers game

AND another claims he went up to a LibDem and, putting his armaround his shoulder, told him: "Sorry you can't play in the rugbysevens this year. Will we put you down for the football five-asidesinstead?"

That's rich

YOU have to be wary of what appears to be bargains offered on theinternet. Said one chap in a Glasgow pub: "I paid pound(s)200 to afirm which guaranteed to make me rich.

"Turned out they changed my name to Richard by deed poll."

What a shot

SAD to note the death of golfer and gentleman Seve Ballesteroswho won the Open at St Andrews. We recall a couple of years later hewas playing the Open at Turnberry when a wayward shot landed in thewhin bushes.

He pitched to within six feet of the pin, but unable to see, heasked the fans in his heavily accented English: "How did I do?"

An elderly Scot, complete with flat cap and three-piece suit,with hands in his pockets, told him: "Aye it'll dae son. It'll dae."

Wear it with pride

INCIDENTALLY, Sandy Greaves at Greaves Sports once told us thatafter Seve wore a Slazenger jumper with its famous panther motif, afemale customer came in and asked Sandy: "Sees us wan o' theysweaters wi' the jumpin' dug."

Shrink wrap

A PSYCHIATRIST tells us: "Denial, anger, bargaining, depression,then acceptance."

She added: "The five stages to buying petrol."

Lasting memory

AFTER our Scottish wedding stories, it's inevitable we move on toScottish funerals. A reader tells us that a female relative died andshe was dispatched to buy a Cliff Richard CD - she eventually foundone in a motorway service station - to play a track at the funeralas it was the deceased's favourite artist.

Our reader had a heated debate with the rest of the family overthe inappropriateness of carting her out to Living Doll despite itbeing her late relative's favourite.

Instead they compromised with Cliff's Mean Woman Blues, and thusthe funeral attendees stared at the coffin as "I got a woman, meanas she can be" blared out from the speakers.

Other funeral stories will be most welcome.

Kiss it goodbye

MISHEARD lyrics. Says Ken Nicholson: "There are people in Glasgowwho think that Burns wrote: 'Ae fond kiss, and then we slever'."